Anyone that has ever had children, has spent any amount of time with children or has any sense in his damn head knows that there are questions, words, and phrases that when coming from a child’s mouth should raise alarms. Things that, when asked by anyone else, would be totally innocuous. When asked by a certain child or a child of a certain age mean that child is up to absolutely no good. The child has ulterior motives. For instance, when my brother wanted to know if cats needed to brush their teeth, preventative measures should have been immediately taken. Tooth brushes should have been hidden at the very least. If he should ask if Sharpie comes off walls, this is also question that needs to be greeted with a significant amount of suspicion and under no circumstances should it be ignored. (the answer is no and NO).
This applies to adults sometimes too. Especially if the adult in question is surnamed Brennan. When my mother was home with my kids and Brian and I were out of town I got a text from her asking if I had any electrical tape and where the fire extinguisher was located. ( no, and on the top of the fridge, WHY do you ask?) Or when she wanted to know if I had another set of keys for the car or if there was a way to access the trunk of the car without the keys. (she locked the keys to the car in the trunk.)
What I am getting at here is that Brian should know by now that certain things I say or ask are most certainly asked or said because I am probably up to something that he would very strongly discourage. Or that I have already done something he won’t appreciate even a little bit when he gets home and sees it. Questions such as “Didn’t we have spackle in the cabinet?” or “have you seen my bolt cutters?” or “what exactly is our insurance deductible again?” “and how attached are you to the carpet?”yet, he answers without any suspicion as to the origin or reason for the questions or ignores me and carries on about his day – It amazes me thatt he feels shouldn’t bother question how and why there is obviously hole in the wall that I am trying to fix that was not there prior to him leaving for work or what pad lock needs to be cut off what child and WHY? (in that order) and yet he questions the comments I make that mean absolutely nothing nefarious. He asked me recently when he was off camping and i was home what I was doing. Mind you, it was like 10 pm and I said,
“Oh, you really don’t want to know.”
He said, somewhat tensely “just make sure you keep your phone near you in case you need to call the fire department and clean up your mess.”
Dude, I was cleaning the sink drains and the faucet screens. When I said he didn’t want to know, I meant he really probably wouldn’t care. He goes and assumes the worst like I am lighting things on fire all the time and all. He should know by now I would tell him if I was because I enjoy giving him panic attacks, especially when he is somewhere where he can do nothing about it.
The things he SHOULD be nervous about are things like “do you know if there is anything in the washer?” (that does NOT mean I am about to do laundry. It does mean I am going to felt something.) Or “have you seen the baking sheet?” (that means I have clay I need to bake) Also, “I had a stick blender and I can only find part of it, where the hell is the rest?” (That means I am going to make soap. And hence, a very large splattered but fortunately very clean mess in the kitchen. Also, that I am pissed off that someone moved something that no one else would have the need to ever use.) The most recent questions that should cause concern on his part but apparently haven’t are ” do you think I could fit a cement mixer in the dining room?”(his answer was no, and didn’t ask why I would ask such a thing and my answer is yes it will because I measured and it will be here this week. shhh) and “can you wash plastic zip lock bags in the washer, do you think?” ( his answer was yes and he was correct, you can totally wash a zip lock bag. also”have you seen the lid to this jar?” (which I had just filled with water, glass and sand in front of him) and asked right before I asked about washing the plastic bag.)
(I decided I was going to try to tumble glass in the jar, which was then put in the plastic bag and then into the washer. The experiment is still in progress and so far so good, that is also the reason for the cement mixer).
So that is what is going on here today. Laundry (the side effect of the great glass tumble experiment is I toss clothes in the washer at the same time and so laundry IS getting done) and sitting on the patio with Brian praying that the jar doesn’t explode while it is tumbling and rumbling or he is gonna be PISSED cause it is his laundry in with the jar. I will tell him all about it once it is successful and will see how long it takes before he notices the cement mixer.